Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize