wrigley field is MILF paradise
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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