I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
