I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize