why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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