WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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