She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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