He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
