We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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