this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
