too bad you live with your parents still
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
