do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
