Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
