she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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