i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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