Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
