Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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