Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
