Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize