I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
