Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
should my penis look like a turkey
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
