I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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