I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
