I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
