He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
