I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
