hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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