I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
