i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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