You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Sorry my hands just texted you
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
