we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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