I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Hippo gnu deer
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
