And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
