the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
