i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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