Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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