I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
