your parents love me but you hate me
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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