It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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