Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
