Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize