Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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