You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
