He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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