I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
