Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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