hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
