I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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