It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
