im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
