Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
