hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
