We're facebook friends in real life
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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