dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
