I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
