he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize