Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize