I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
