SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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