So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
