I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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