I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize