Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
