Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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