for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
