I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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