My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
